mork's home on the webmovie log
I used to post on letterboxd but I stopped for some reason. now I post movies here.
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The Venture Bros.: Radiant Is the Blood of the Baboon Heart (2023)
★★★
It’s not a good “movie” but it’s a reasonably good condensed season of television they didn’t get to make. I am glad they got to make this. One thing about Venture Bros. is they continually got better at making it to the point where every season is a mile ahead of the last one in terms of sheer technical storytelling prowess. This movie is not a refinement or progression of the show, it might even be a little bit worse than the last season was. But you get to see your favorite pals get up to one last ride and some questions you never actually cared about are finally answered about them. Go team venture!
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BlackBerry (2023)
★★★★
Glenn Howerton plays the scariest guy to ever exist, wow. Amazing performances throughout, very well shot and edited. A lot of the comedic scenes were really, really good, I laughed a lot. I should say this movie is extremely sinophobic in a way that was not relevant to the main plot and very distracting to me. But otherwise I had a really great time.
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Cocaine Bear (2023)
★★
Wow this is tonally all over the place. They should have sat down and figured out what kind of movie they wanted to make before they started filming. Also they should have let the only funny people in the movie live for more than five minutes. Also they probably shouldn’t have made this in general.
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John Wick 4 (2023)
★★★
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Hannibal Rising (2007)
★★
I gotta respect them for making a movie that is unabashedly pro Hannibal. Like it’s kind of weird that he eats those guys faces and stuff but… They definitely had it coming. When I was watching this I kept thinking that this movie would be indistinguishable from something like Taken if only Hannibal stopped just short of eating their faces off. Maybe that says more about Taken than it does about Hannibal though.
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The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015)
★★★
I do not know exactly why this one wasn’t hittin’ for me, but it weren’t. Still looked good and felt compelling enough tho.
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M3GAN (2022)
★★★
Totally competent and kind of fun. Similar to how I felt about Kimi (2022), I did not think the representation of a dipshit tech company was very realistic. But that is fine, I will not be annoying about it except in private to my friends immediately after watching this.
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Constantine (2005)
★★★★
One of the last mid-budget blockbuster type movies that visually looks amazing. I am saying this as a statement without backing it up but you know I’m right.
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Logan Lucky (2017)
★★★★
Yee Haw
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
★★★
This is not the movie I remembered from my childhood. Nothing in this movie makes any sense. The scenes don’t flow into each other at all. I think this is one of the worst scripts of all time. But it’s very visually inventive and interesting to watch and honestly pretty fun. The turtles are so scary looking.
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Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)
★★★
My wisest friend called this “a fun time at the movies.” Who am I to disagree. The guy is wise as fuck.
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How to Blow Up a Pipeline (2022)
★★★★★
The best thriller I’ve ever seen I think. Does not waste any time trying to convince you of anything, not preachy, just immediate gripping fucking lightning in a bottle. I don’t really think lone wolf ecoterrorism is a particularly effective strategy for causing mass societal change, but it makes for a hell of a goddamn movie.
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Renfield (2023)
★★
Adequately shot and paced, the effects were funny. One of the worst scripts of all time though, every genius talent in the film (cage, hoult, schwartz, etc.) totally wasted. At least it was only 90 minutes.
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Bullet Train (2022)
★★★
Does the Guy Ritchie schtick about 8% better than Guy Ritchie can do it. The volume of celeb cameos is so dense that they clearly wanted this to take off more than it did. I recommend this movie if you have some time to kill. It ain’t cinema or whatever but it’s pretty fun and the jokes made me laff.
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Bicycle Thieves (1948)
★★★★
I was gonna write this one off as a “I get why this is a classic, but it’s kind of boring nowadays” type of movie right up until the very end, but the ending is so good it brought me fully back around on it. Great stuff.
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Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)
★★★★★
This is my default answer for “favorite movie of all time.” it contains five or six of my favorite acting performances ever, with another ten or eleven of my favorite bit parts of all time. Every shot of this movie has a joke I do not fail to laugh out loud at. I wish I had something insightful to write here but I simply do not. My soul is still dancing.
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Tár (2022)
★★★★★
Wow, what a big movie! This would be a hard film to spoil, which is great because I feel like I’ve read nothing but spoilers and unbearable jokes about this film ever since it came out. This is a movie that demands a lot from its audience. You get a real slice of life from this Lydia Tár character and it’s up to you to figure out whether she’s good, or whether she’s bad. And folks, she is bad.
I can understand why this movie got a bit of acclaim but managed to miss out on those sweet oscars we all know and love. Now, the other question is - Did I like it? Well dear reader, I’m afraid you’ll have to watch the movie to find out and decide for yourself.
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Knock at the Cabin (2023)
★★★
B movie schlock, plot is nothing to write home about. But oh my GOD Bautista’s performance elevates this movie to another level. Give that guy a lead role in a serious movie immediately.
One thing I liked about this movie is that there’s a good amount of extreme violence, but almost none of it is directly shown on camera (even though the film is rated R). Of course on-screen violence is totally appropriate for a lot of movies, but I’m glad this film is more watchable and fun instead of relishing in the sadism of the basic concept (family held hostage, asked to do something horrible).
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Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)
★★★
Jack Black undefeated, Jack Black forever. This movie is pretty funny. The Rock is really annoying when they let his team write all his lines to be about how cool and hot he supposedly is though. I miss when we all universally acknowledged that wrestlers look cool but in a disgusting way.
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Babylon (2022)
★★★
extremely well made dog shit that sucks ass ! fuck this movie ! its pretty good!
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Insidious (2010)
★★★★
Wow you can make a lot of movie for like fifty dollars huh. The acting and story are terrible but dang that red guy looks scary as hell.
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John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)
★★★★
This one is a lot more cartoony and I like it a lot. Good shit.
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John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)
★★★
As well produced as it is, this movie is a bit awkward how it sits between grounded pseudo-realism and cartoon action figures smashing into each other. Still pretty good though.
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The Muppet Movie (1979)
★★★★
I am always hollering in the beginning when kermie gets on the bicycle. it’s the funniest thing to me.
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Muppets From Space (1999)
★★★
I always liked this movie. It’s an important contribution to the muppets cinematic universe and sets up lots of plot threads for future films to resolve.
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21 Jump Street (2012)
★★
this movie is aware it sucks but does not seem to be aware of very much else. I hereby subtract six points from lord & miller’s lifetime movie score.
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The Apartment (1960)
★★★★★
Amazing synthesis of “goofs” billy wilder and “bleak ass movie for depressos” billy wilder. I loved this.
“That’s the way it crumbles, cookie wise” what a line. Hell of a line. Great line. Love that line.
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Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio (2022)
★★★★
It feels like GDT’s “I made shape of water so I get to make whatever I want now” movie, unlike the uninteresting Nightmare Alley from last year. The animation in particular was very cool, I’m curious how they made the stop motion water because it doesn’t look like any other movie I’ve seen before. Pinocchio’s dance number about poop was pretty funny. Good pacing good ending good movie.
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Glass Onion (2022)
★★★★
Not trying to do anything big or important but it (pause) compels me
Janelle Monae should probably be 10x as famous as she currently is. Is she really really famous already? 10x that please and thank you.
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The Banshees of Inishirin (2022)
★★★★★
Gorgeous, gorgeous filmmaking. Made me very sad so I don’t know if I want to watch it again. Not as funny as McDonagh’s films usually are, it felt a lot more like his stage stuff in the pacing and structure. This definitely could have been a play, but it’s shot so beautifully I’m glad it wasn’t. Caught in the credits that Brendan Gleeson wrote and performed (that song) and holy fuck.
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Excalibur (1981)
★★★
What on earth is this movie. It feels like a sequel to another movie or something, it just starts in medias res and doesn’t establish any of its stakes and nothing makes sense and none of the characters are remotely likeable???? Are we supposed to think that king arthur and merlin etc. are a good thing or a bad thing?? Why’s everything so graphically violent and horrible??? Why is the actor that plays arthur so off-putting??? And it’s 2.5 hours long????? Huh? Whuh?? Zuh???! Three stars
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Grizzly Man (2005)
★★★★
Seen this a couple times before but got a lot out of this rewatch. I really liked how this movie doesn’t make any attempt to be objective, but still presents things as they are, without judgement, stopping only to note the particular beauty, sorrow or terror of the situation. Hell yeah dude.
Also when Tim Treadwell puts his sunglasses on I get real Connor O’Malley vibes.
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Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
★★★
For some reason I had never seen this before but a lot of other movies make more sense in retrospect. I think this would be a 4-5 star movie in 1977 because it’s basically perfect. But I think the way that the government operates in this movie is so unlike how they exist today that I felt very detached from the whole experience. I think this speaks to the fears and beliefs that people had in that time and I think if it took place in 2022 there’d be a lot more people shooting rifles at the space ships.
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Hellraiser (2022)
★★★★
Since when is Hellraiser about all this crazy sex stuff? Just kidding. This movie is an interesting type of reboot because it doesn’t really seem to be reverent of its source material at all. This is definitely not one of those sequel/reboot/remakes, it totally changes the rules of the universe and doesn’t really seem to be in conversation with the original films at all, save for a couple stings on the soundtrack and one line from Pinhead (you know the one). It also presents a much more straightforward version of the cenobites: instead of blurring the lines that separate pleasure and pain, they’re just kind of regular bad guys. That’s OK though because the movie is pretty good. Jamie Clayton rocks as Pinhead, I hope we get a sequel at some point.
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Wendell & Wild (2022)
★★★★
Something about the universe in this movie didn’t seem quite as cohesive as Coraline or Nightmare Before Christmas but this is still pretty dang good. Identifies some problems with capitalism without offering any cohesive solutions, no worse than the other Peele produced stuff though. Great voice acting. Selick animation rocks as always. Good soundtrack.
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
★★★★
This one rocks!!! What a great remix of the original film. Lots of creative visual ideas and the cast is really fun. Also this movie has one of the best titles ever. Dream Warriors…
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
★
When the first thing happens in this movie I paused it to note the time. It was 63 minutes into this movie. Go ahead and skip the first 61 minutes or so if you plan to watch this I think.
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The Omen (1976)
★★★
This all could have been avoided if Father Brennan was better at explaining the antichrist situation that was going on. He just starts yelling at Gregory Peck the second he sees him, I would have had security escort him out too. Eyes on the prize dude. C’mon.
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Creepshow (1982)
★★★
It seems like the main theme weaving these stories together is “horrible things happening to horrible people” which I can’t complain too much about. It feels like the horrible deaths are supposed to have some ironic edge to them but I couldn’t really find one to be honest. Mostly it’s just some random spooky stuff. But there’s too many geniuses working on this to dislike it. It just rocks to see Romero and Savini (and, sigh, Stephen King) doing their core competency shit. Great actors too.
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The Addams Family (1991)
★★★★
Barry Sonnenfeld is one of the most talented dudes in the biz. All his movies are flawlessly constructed, perfectly paced and endlessly creative, which is wild on the budget that he operates on. I was looking at his filmography and one thing is really strange to me: he doesn’t seem to have any smaller, “indie” critically acclaimed movies the way that other directors of his caliber get to do? He doesn’t follow the “one for me, one for you” type of process that other talented directors do. It’s not to say that there aren’t other directors who only do “big” movies, but those guys are usually really bad at their jobs and couldn’t make a better movie if they wanted to (cough roland emmerich cough). It really feels like this guy just lives to make big budget movies that rock ass. Which is fine! Great movies!
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Near Dark (1987)
★★
Wanted to like this more, but it really drags despite the relatively short runtime. Cowboy vampires with a tangerine dream soundtrack directed by Kathryn Bigelow with this cast should be a home run, but I was pretty bored. Oh well.
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Mindhorn (2017)
★★
Standard (British) fare.
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Road House (1989)
★★★
It’s irresponsible to teach moviegoing audiences that if you make a special sign with your hands you can easily rip out a dude’s throat. That really is messed up of them to show you how to do that. I already knew how to do it but I didn’t think it was common knowledge. I think they should have blurred out his hands when he does the move.
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Nope (2022)
★★★★★
Feels like Peele’s best film by a mile. Thick with themes but never not compelling. Simple in all the right ways. I’m in awe. Don’t read anything about this and watch it before you see too much online.
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For a Few Dollars More (1965)
★★★
OK, this is the grandpa movie I was expecting. Perfectly fine, nothing to write home about. Sweaty as all hell. What’s Klaus Kinski doing here anyway?
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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
★★★★★
It’s a masterpiece? What? I thought this was a grandpa movie, not a masterpiece, but maybe it’s both. Quentin Tarantino has been chasing the highs of this thing his entire career and failing miserably I guess. Just unbelievably good.
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Doom: Annihilation (2019)
★
Absolutely chock full to the brim with references. Despite this, totally doesn’t understand its source material. Doom ain’t that hard to understand people! Hire me next time. I’ll still mess it up, but in a more interesting way.
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Tenet (2020)
★★★★
Walking out of the theater after seeing Inception, I made a little promise to myself: I would never watch another Chris Nolan sci fi smart guy movie for frat bros again. But for some reason, one I can’t really explain, over the past few weeks I’ve felt a little tickle in the back of my head telling me to watch this movie. I don’t know where the tickle came from, or why I couldn’t quiet it down as I thought more and more about it. So I decided today that I would give in to this strange feeling, sit down and watch this, and you know what? I thought it was pretty good. Everything exudes a nice “cool” aura, the characters move with purpose, every shot and scene is very well choreographed, and the pacing is great.
The two parts that are still real letdowns are 1) anytime anyone is talking, and 2) the actual substance of the plot. The “twists” are presented with a really interesting visual language, but their actual substance feels mostly predictable. The dialogue is truly atrocious, anytime Robert Pattinson started talking about time travel movie 101 stuff I truly wanted him to shut up and look pretty. The way every character whipsawed from hero to villain and back felt very pointless, and the setup for a sequel at the very end had my eyes roll into the back of my head.
These faults may seem like they should push the movie into “bad” territory, but I managed to keep my brain in the right zone to enjoy this thoroughly. I’m not an advocate for telling an audience to “turn your brain off,” but something about how the movie locks you in (in particular the sound design, which is a straight up masterwork) kept me from thinking too hard about anything. I wouldn’t really “recommend” this movie, but I enjoyed it personally quite a bit.
I’ll still never watch Interstellar. That’s the Mike Promise.
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Day Shift (2022)
★
Netflix you’ve done it again. Written by gpt3 fed exclusively Joss Whedon scripts. Cinematography by DALL-E. Soundtrack by darts thrown at a dartboard.
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The Most Dangerous Game (1932)
★★
I like that this movie is 62 minutes long. I also liked the part where the main character gets asked “what would it be like if you were hunted” and he replies “well I’ll never have to worry about that” and then his steam ship explodes seconds later. That’s a good comedic moment. I don’t like this film.
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Prey (2022)
★★★★
This is so fucking sick. I love the movies. Hell yes.
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Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022)
★★★
Not as good as the first Minions on several dimensions: Otto is not as good as Kevin/Stuart/Bob, I don’t care about the Vicious 6, San Francisco is less funny than England, there’s too much Gru in this and not enough Minions in general.
Still some gems and things to like here. Alan Arkin surprisingly spry sounding for an 88 year old. Michelle Yeoh rocks as much as she always does. Not bad.
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Lost Highway (1997)
★★★★
Sort of uneven, but some of the scenes here are on another freakin’ level. It’s a very Lynch-style plot and it’s strange that almost none of his “regular” cast shows up here. I think if you mapped the whole Twin Peaks crowd onto the roles of this movie it would have turned out better. But I liked this a lot.
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Time Bandits (1981)
★★★
I think Gilliam’s schtick works better as loosely connected sketch comedy than it does as a cohesive film. I didn’t hate this as much as I hate Brazil though.
Not a critique exactly, but who is this for anyway? It’s a kids movie I guess but this lacks the wish fulfillment or moralizing of a normal 80s kids film. Plus there’s all those pesky adult themes in the way. Just weird as hell.
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Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters (1985)
★★
Maybe the most beautiful movie I’ve ever seen. Pretty much flawless in every way. Moving, deep and complex. Two stars.
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Bringing Out the Dead (1999)
★
Nic Cage probably my favorite living actor but he sucks shit here. Actually this movie is chock full of legendary actors turning in the worst performances of their careers (Ving Rhames excepted, he tries to carry the whole movie on his back but unfortunately can’t pull it off). Horrible soundtrack. This shit is so corny! Worst Marty movie I’ve seen by far. Awful.
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Do the Right Thing (1989)
★★★★
Don’t usually care for these sort of slice of life movies, but this one deserves its masterpiece status. The editing and cinematography is really, really good. Everyone is a cartoon character, but it still feels pretty grounded. I’m not sure the moral questions this movie leaves ambiguous are really as ambiguous as the movie says they are, but that’s fine. I liked this a lot.
I only learned today that Fight the Power was originally written/released for this movie soundtrack. They nailed it, good job guys.
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Castle in the Sky (1986)
★★★★
good movie im tired
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Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996)
★★
There’s some decent goofs in here, but mainly I was just bored. I think canadian comedy has a natural disadvantage to me because it’s the same structure as british comedy, but the actors don’t sound like clowns by default. Oh well!
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The Black Phone (2022)
★★★
VERY well constructed, one of those movies you could teach in a film school (I assume, I guess). Made me pissed off for complicated reasons I don’t want to write down right now. Whatever.
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Ghost in the Shell (1995)
★★★★★
One of my favorite films. Wrote a little thing here on the ol’ personal blog.
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Casablanca (1942)
★★★★
This movie is lit really well. As Time Goes By is a pretty good song. Great special effects.
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Zatoichi (2003)
★★★
There’s a poster for this movie at an izakaya I like. The movie is stylish and cool, but not as stylish or cool as the poster. The compositing for the sword kills doesn’t look very good but it wasn’t too distracting. It’s 30-45 minutes longer than it needs to be though. Are there any beat takeshi movies where he doesn’t play the coolest guy on the planet? Not complaining just curious.
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Minions (2015)
★★★★
OK this one kinda got me. I feel strange rating this one higher than the last three movies but it’s my website I do what I want. Respect… Power… Banana!!!
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Cowboys & Aliens (2011)
★★★
Flawless first half, rest is fine. Totally forgettable soundtrack by harry gregson-williams tells me he only cares about metal gear solid and everything else is a paycheck (as it should be).
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The Bob's Burgers Movie (2022)
★★★
Just a long episode of the show, and honestly not a great one at that (exactly average I reckon). If you don’t expect more than that, you’ll be satisfied. All movie adaptations of animated TV shows do this thing where they just add slightly better lighting/shadows and computer animation to the normal style and I’m not sure it works here. I have no complaints with it I’m just being difficult, sorry I’m sorry very sorry. Decent movie.
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Thief (1981)
★★★
VERY cool. Not very interesting, but very cool. Michael Maan has a way of making a very generic movie with no twists or turns that still holds your attention pretty well.
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Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)
★★
Pretty funny when they’re doing racism against french people and italians, pretty upsetting when they’re doing racism about everyone else. Zero non-racist scenes.
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Bullet in the Head (1990)
★★★★
Wow. Cool.
Starts as a smaller story about some rowdy boys, turns into more of a homerian epic type thing. More explicit about its politics than any john woo film I’ve seen before. Gets really dark. Yankee go home.
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The Blob (1988)
★★★
I hated every scene of this movie where the blob wasn’t dissolving people. But there are a lot of scenes where the blob freakin’ dissolves the shit out of people so. Pretty good.
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Be Kind Rewind (2008)
★★★★★
After 14 years there’s almost nothing recognizable left in this film. VHS and DVDs are gone, video stores don’t exist, and all the films referenced have been replaced by a tasteless slurry spoon fed to an uncaring audience by the accursed rat. Even the DIY energy from the protagonists has a boot on its neck now thanks to the takeover by the gig economy and crowdfunding.
But. In the moment where the landlords tear the decal off of their plans to gentrify the neighborhood quirky video store into another beige box, forcing its black tenants into the projects by forces totally out of their control, I involuntarily burst into tears. That’s not really the intended reaction from that moment (it’s a goof, like almost every moment of this film), and I don’t expect to have that reaction the next time I watch this. But the energy and the visual language of this film felt so overwhelming and so timeless that it smashed my emotions and my brain to pieces. there’s just so much here. It’s so earnest and funny and… real? That I don’t know what else to say other than this is one of my favorite movies of all time. It makes you believe in magic.
Speaking of believing in magic, im also changing my mind about whether that’s Tom Pynchon doing a cameo. I initially believed the special features segment of the DVD that pretends it isn’t him, but it’s sooo obviously him. Like come on. It’s gotta be. Just look at his weird face!
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Vampires (1998)
★★
Honestly so weird to see a movie that’s recognizably a john carpenter film, but it sucks shit??? Why does this movie suck shit??? Sheryl Lee deserves better than this.
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The Fly (1986)
★★★
10% more gross and 10% less good than I remembered it. No need for the sex pest guy redemption arc, idk what ol’ croney was trying to say with that.
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Hard Boiled (1992)
★★★★
Pew pow blaw pew pew pew pew bang bang pow!!!
They don’t make movies, cars, guns, cops, grenades, high explosives, electricity, cigarettes, babies, boats, hospitals or guns like they used to. “You said guns twice”? So did John woo babey heyooo fuck yeah great film.
Edit: just looked up the budget for this movie and what the fuck on earth. How did they make this. Miracle movie!!!
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Pig (2021)
★★★★★
Says more in its quiet moments than 99% of movies do in 2 hours. And the parts where people talk are really good too. Idk this is just the best fuckin’ thing man.
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Paprika (2006)
★★★★
Last time i watched this i thought it was confusing and hard to follow - this time I had the English dub on and I realized it was mostly a translation issue with the subtitles. Not sure if there is a better translation out there but i recommend the English dub for anyone who wants to actually know what the hell is going on.
Now that I actually understood what the plot of this movie was, I ended up really amazed by the creativity and themes. It’s not really a twisty plot, you can sort of tell where it’s going as soon as the characters are introduced. But the way that the visuals creep into “reality” through the course of the film were sooo creative and cool and I just felt lost in the whole thing. Great movie.
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The Number 23 (2007)
★
When jim carrey slips into the jim carrey plastic man face when he’s clearly trying to be dour and impactful i am laughing so hard. The guy is a good actor but schumaker does not want that kind of performance from him and this is also the worst script of all time. It’s way too horny to watch with your friends but give it a whirl the next time you want to watch the worst movie you’ve ever seen.
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The Killing (1956)
★★★★
Doesn’t really matter if i write anything about this movie. It’s real good, but who cares? It’s 84 minutes long, and ya simply can’t beat that.
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The Meaning of Life (1983)
★★★
Ok here’s the math for this movie.
- “crimson permanent assurance” smash that 5 stars button. Unimpeachable. Best thing they ever made.
- The title sequence gets 4 stars. It’s good.
- “Every sperm is sacred” is a 4.5 star bit, but it inspired seth mcfarlane to make musical comedy, so penalty awarded and reduced to 3 stars.
- “Growth and learning” I’m starting to check out. 2.5 stars. I’m starting to laugh again when the rugby part starts.
- “Fighting each other” good bits. Funny stuff. 3.5 stars.
- “The middle of the film” is a fan favorite (I’m a fan). 4 stars.
- “The middle ages” oh here I go checking out again. I dunno. I like when the guy doesn’t have any curiosity about anything. 3 stars?
- “Live organ transplants” lmao. It’s the small details in this one that make me laff. 4 stars.
- “Galaxy song” is widely beloved and kind of the centerpiece of the film but it reminds me of how annoying neil degrasse tyson type people are. 2 stars sorry.
- “The autumn years” is really funny and gross, a 4.5 star bit. Plus it made quentin tarantino almost throw up once, which gets a bonus awarded up to 5 stars.
- “The meaning of life” hmm. This joke would be funnier if there wasn’t already a lot of racist humor that I’m not sure they realized is very racist. 3 stars.
- “Death” lmao omg. 4.5 stars.
- “Christmas in heaven” idg the point of this one. 2 stars.
- “The end of the film” they probably should have put more effort into this part. 1.5 stars.
All in all a bumpy ride, much like that very life itself which we all know and love. I wish the ending was better, much like that very life itself which we all know and love. Thanks for reading!
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Darkman (1990)
★★★
SO much fun. Spent a lot of time laughing hysterically, and a lot of time saying “oh no!”
This was made right around the midpoint between Raimi’s early horror films and later superhero films, and it’s a very imperfect synthesis of both styles. It’s like he was slowly undergoing some sort of horrible transformation over the course of two decades, and this movie is the awkward part where Jeff goldblum is half fly and half man (ed. note: goldblum is not in this movie. It’s an analogy ya goofuses.)
This movie has a lot of ideas and it’s not going to let “cohesion” or “anything making sense” get in the way of getting all the goofs in. No fake scientific explanations are offered for anything, which I really appreciated; it’s just “I’m a scientist damn it… I should be able to figure this out” straight to “I’ve got it!”
No rules just laughs. Mike seal of approval.
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Cyrano (2021)
★★★★
Bretty good. Peter dinklage does a good forlorn face. That face do be forlorn as hell.
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Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion (1997)
★★
Fine. Sure. Whatever.
When you feel the need to call out that your staff has 5 women on it in your dedication to the fans (???) you know you’ve made something Normal.
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Crimes of the Future (2022)
★★★★★
Really loved this.
Equal parts dystopian and utopian. Gorgeously shot with incredible cast and performances. Just the right amount of ambiguity about the world while still feeling grounded and internally consistent. Slow paced but really interesting the entire time. Plenty to think about.
The one complaint I have is it does the thing in a lot of sci fi movies where the characters deliver a bunch of exposition to nobody in particular because they need to explain to the viewer what is happening. It’s done sparingly, more in the beginning than the end, but it still took me out of it a little bit. I am not smart enough to tell you how I would do it better though, and really this felt very masterfully constructed. Good shit.
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RRR (2022)
★★★★★
If britain has million number of haters i am one of them . if britain has ten haters i am one of them. if britain have only one hater and that is me . if britain has no haters, that means i am no more on the earth . if world with the british, i am against the world. i hate #britain till my last breath.. .. Die Hard hater of britain . Hit Like If you Think britain Worst empire & Worst in the world
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Batman (1966)
★★★
Ha ha ha funy bat man
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Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
★★
Haven’t watched one of these in a while.
It seems like the accursed rat has not quite figured out how to replicate the deeply disturbing manipulation that I saw in Endgame just yet. I say seems like because I am not the target audience for this sort of thing, and missed much of the backstory that the plot of this film seems to revolve around, so it’s possible I am missing the message this time. This is a movie for people who believe the USA is fundamentally good but could be better, people who think institutions are more important than lives, people who think they know better than those silly ideologues who put labels on their beliefs. An evil movie for evil people.
I read some reviews saying that some of Sam Raimi’s voice comes through here, and I have to say I don’t see it. Aside from a couple of his signature cinematographic gestures and the tired/wired/inspired inclusion of a Bruce Campbell cameo this is just another flat and soulless untextured green screened mess. Nothing grabs you and nothing feels real. I don’t know what to respect and what to care about, especially in an infinite multiverse where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.
I really can’t fucking believe this movie revolves around a character named America. Fuck off with that shit. Shut the fuck up.
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Sorcerer (1977)
★★★★★
Hell of a lot better than star wars I’ll tell ya that much.
Idk if it’s true to say you couldn’t make a movie like this today. But i think it’s pretty interesting how movies that aren’t explicitly political, but feature characters just existing inside the realities of the modern world have largely disappeared from more recent films. Idk what this means exactly but food for thought i guess.
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They Live (1988)
★★★★
The real world is just like this movie without the need for space aliens. So how should we treat the ruling class? Like they’re fuckin’ space aliens dude.
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Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex (2005)
★★★★★
This is a TV series not a movie, but I wanted to write about this since I just finished a rewatch.
SAC has 26 episodes, some “stand alone” and some “complex.” The complex episodes follow a central story, the stand alone episodes are, well, stand alone stories. Here’s the cadence of these episodes:
SSSCCCSSCSCSSSSSSSSCCCCCCC
Three episodes to establish section 9, three episodes to establish the central plot, some alternating episodes follow as new information comes up naturally in the laughing man case, and then we the whole thing goes dead and we get a series of standalone episodes. Then, as if from nowhere, it all comes together in (my opinion) the greatest television finale of all time.
There are so many resonances here - The beginning, middle and ending of the case all flow through Togusa, the member of the team with the fewest mechanical body parts and the most to lose. He’s the only member of the team that has a life outside of work; the only one who is even arguably “alive” in a real sense. The laughing man, who sets the events of the central plot in motion, is a technology expert who is so skilled at hacking and faked reality that he knows the only truth can come from lived, organic experience. The two characters never meet each other directly, but the way they orbit each other forms the human core of the show, a counterpoint to all the technology that pervades their existence, the same technology that is slowly creeping into our own lives.
When the series of standalone episodes ends, there is no new information or reason why the case should be re-examined. But time has passed, lingering thoughts have time to fester, and Togusa finally understands an angle that nobody else has seen. The Major says that his “ghost is finally whispering to [him] too,” as if he’s finally on the same level as the rest of the team. But it’s clear in that moment that he was always thinking about this, even when the show took breaks to wander around the world and explore the themes of its universe.
Want to pause and say. I really hate cop shows, and I can’t stand copaganda. This show is a cop show, and has a lot of the same problems as any other. It’s slightly helpful that section 9 is essentially an internal affairs org, but of course there is plenty to criticize here. I do like that they make the CIA out to be the absolute monsters they are, and anytime they interact with the “American empire” they don’t hold back in saying who holds the power. As far as cop shows made inside the imperial core go, this is about as good as you can make it.
Anyways. Some of the stand alone episodes are not as masterfully crafted as the central story. But the overall pacing is just so extraordinary, that I really believe the sequence and interwoven stories is what elevates this show to a masterpiece. The stand alone episodes are not really stand alone - without them, you couldn’t see the stakes, the depth, or the character that permeates this existence. Time is still marching forwards during these episodes, and you can see revelations that echo throughout the rest of the show.
The original film is also fantastic, the arise OVAs are fine, but this season of the show has my heart. And don’t even bother with 2nd gig, you’ll just get angry.
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Ghost in the Shell Arise - Border 4: Ghost Stands Alone (2014)
★★
Idk if it’s a localization issue or what, but I didn’t understand a single word of this. Didn’t get anyones motivation, didn’t understand any of the plot beats, couldn’t fathom why they picked certain things to happen to certain characters. A bunch of shit happened that they previously established should be impossible. This is probably the most disappointing GITS thing I’ve seen since that horrible CG show i am pretending doesn’t exist.
The action stuff and production values are pretty cool, but they repeated a whole bunch of visual ideas and concepts that were in SAC and the original film. I think it was intended to be an homage but it felt more like a rehash. It doesn’t suck but I don’t think I wanna watch this one ever again.
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Weekend at Bernie's (1989)
★★★★
Surprisingly funny, surprisingly well constructed.
While I was watching this, a million awful college film analysis essays started writing themselves in my head. They all said the words “late capitalism” instead of just “capitalism” because I was trying to sound really smart. In my head of course.
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Ghost in the Shell Arise - Border 3: Ghost Tears (2014)
★★★
About as good as the previous ones, minus one star for the major’s homophobic retcon.
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My Octopus Teacher (2020)
★★★
I don’t feel comfortable with a nature documentary that centers the filmmaker like this… I don’t give a fuck about this guys personal journey or whatever, and the degree to which he inserted himself into the life of this octopus seems immoral maybe? The whole thing felt like a slippery slope argument against herzogs ecstatic truth style of documentary filmmaking.
Idk shit about fuck so I guess ill give it the benefit of the doubt. In any case he caught a lot of extraordinary shit on film so I gotta give it up a little bit. Three stars
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Ghost in the Shell Arise - Border 2: Ghost Whispers (2013)
★★★★
Bretty good. More action-y than border 1. Love seeing my faves Batou Borma Paz and Ishikawa playing the bad guy for about 50 minutes. The ending twist is predictable but then it re-twists into something pretty interesting. Idk if whoever wrote this thinks war crimes are good or bad but whatever. Four stars
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Persona (1966)
★★★★★
Not about to share a bunch of details about my personal life on the blog but this one cut pretty deep. Right place right time.
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Annette (2021)
★★★★
Content warning: this movie provides an unfiltered view inside the mind of the average Frenchman. Viewer discretion advised.
Don’t understand why this movie was so divisive. Is it because the plot is paper thin but still makes no sense? Because everyone speaks in deep irony mode? Because it goes out of its way to insult its audience? Because it’s an R rated musical with no real target demographic? Because that baby is utterly grotesque? Because the special effects are weird looking? Because you can never tell what’s real or fake? Because… hmm think i get it now. Anyways i loved this. Leos carax tha god.
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Good Time (2017)
★★★★★
The stuff i liked in this movie in order of how amazed I was by it (best to slightly less best):
- Sound design and soundtrack. Every time the OPN soundtrack came up I was losing my mind, grinning ear to ear. Hooooly fuck that stuff is so good. I saw Benny is co-credited on the sound design, which makes sense because this carries over into Uncut Gems too.
- The acting and characters are all amazing. You can see everyone’s soul from the second the camera comes into focus.
- The COLORS and shot design oh my god. The way the movie slowly progresses from reds to pinks to blues and then snaps into “realistic” colors right at the end. Soooo impressive.
- The overall pacing and the way the plot develops and everything, jesu cristo. The twists genuinely surprised me and I never felt bored or waiting for the next thing to happen.
I love this movie. I am ready to say that the Safdies are my favorite contemporary filmmakers. Amazing amazing amazing.
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Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)
★★★★★
Many people are asking “how did they make this”?
Here’s how i think they made this: They crammed every idea they ever had into a box and then made the box smaller and smaller until the ideas started oozing out the sides. Then they dropped a huge rock on top of the box and it all splatted out.
What a fuckin’ movie.
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The Northman (2022)
★★★★★
Thank u mr eggers sorry about the box office performance hope someone decides to give you 90 million dollars again.
This basically has a video game plot so it feels weird to call it a masterpiece. But the simplicity is clearly intentional, it focuses the viewer into a singular purpose and lets them live through Skarsgård’s insanely good performance. The camera work, long wandering shots that take their time to show you everything, does the same thing. I heard audiences were confused by this movie and uhh…???
Probably the best cast of any movie of the last five years or more. Everyone looks born to play this shit. Fuck yeah.
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The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)
★★
Not sure exactly what I was expecting but I feel like this is about 10% less good than I was expecting. For a movie that is supposed to be really reverent of nic cage, and stars nic cage, i kinda think they get his legacy and style fundamentally wrong. Don’t care enough to figure out how to express that idea in words. It’s still fine tho. whatever.
Oh also fuck the fucking CIA i hate these “normal guy gets caught up in spy stuff” plot lines shut UP
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Ambulance (2022)
★★★★
Man.
Stinky copaganda? Yes Admits US culpability in war crimes throughout the Middle East? Yes Makes cops and troops look good? Yes Makes cops and troops look bad? Yes Makes it clear cops have too much money? Yes Makes it clear they need more money? Yes Flat comedic moments that feel totally inappropriate for the moment? Yes Genuinely funny shit throughout the whole thing? Yes Generic boring ass filmmaking? Yes Michael Bay a singular auteur voice that comes through in subtle and unsubtle ways? Yes Amazing tension and pacing? Yes Jump cuts and shaky cam that make it impossible to tell what’s happening? Yes Cheap and shitty looking at times? Yes Insane stunts and technical achievements? Yes Terrible acting? Yes Great acting and actors? Yes Racial caricatures that feel dated and out of place? Yes Pretty good cultural representation from women and minorities? Sure! Characters constantly talking about other Michael Bay movies? Yup
This might be the MOST Michael Bay movie of all time. I think I really liked it though honestly. Much less offensive to me than a bad boys or a transformers.
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Ghost in the Shell Arise - Border 1: Ghost Pain (2013)
★★★★
This movie is a lot more explicit than the other GITS stuff about how messed up the world is. I don’t think that’s good or bad exactly, but I guess it’s probably for the best considering how badly people misinterpret things these days.
All the stuff in here about the major not owning her own body due to a contract she never signed is really good. Good movie.
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The Cursed (2021)
★★★★
I got haze in the brain today and i can’t really tell if this movie is all that good. But it sure isn’t bad I’ll tell you what
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Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
★★★★
The hardest thing to do in this emergent sequel/reboot “genre” from the last decade or so is to convince your audience you have a right to exist. The total recall reboot fails miserably at this, but this movie succeeds unbelievably. It meaningfully updates the universe of the original film, explores the same themes from a totally different perspective, and achieves technical things in the freakin stratosphere.
I think the matrix resurrections is the only other one of these movies that is on the same level, but it comes at it from a totally different direction (satire!!! goofs!!! meta references!!!). This movie is so earnest and sincere and reverent of its source material that you just gotta give it up. This is an insanely good movie.
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JFK Revisited: Through the Looking Glass (2021)
★★★
(presenting a convincing case that us intelligence killed jfk) I’m nodding vigorously
(Implying it happened because jfk was a pacifist who wanted world peace) I’m shaking my head so hard my brain gets bruised smacking the side of my skull
Listen. I found this movie pretty annoying. Oliver stone kind of sucks. But come on. How do you watch this and not get what’s going on here. This shit is so fucked.
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The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970)
★★★
Very similar to the other dargento movie i watched a while ago, but slightly less horny and slightly less bangin soundtrack. Idk how else to evaluate this thing
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The Quick and the Dead (1995)
★★★
I loved how everyone was constantly firing guns into the air. i wonder why we don’t do that more here? It seems so fun
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Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
★★★★
You could make a pretty strong case that this is the greatest movie of all time. I will not be making that case here. Four stars
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The Amityville Horror (1979)
★★
They should have called this movie “the totally rude house” because the house was so rude in this.
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Quantum of Solace (2008)
★★★★★
This is a 4 star film. I rated it 5 stars because i want more people to see this movie. Very underrated daniel craig bond movie. Go watch it.
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Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000)
★★★
What am i doing man. Just watching Batman movies now? Is that my life now? I think i can do better.
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Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
★★★★
Gorgeous film, really amazing looking. Very standard plot from a Batman perspective. But it looks so damn cool. Wow.
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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)
★
Sucks shit
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The Power of the Dog (2021)
★★★★★
This probably should have won all of those Oscars huh. That’s a whoopsy doodle.
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The Batman (2022)
★★★★
I don’t like that this movie is 3 hours long. And i really don’t want to think about what it has to say about society.
But… i gotta give it up for this movie. it’s completely rad as hell. It really rules ass. The ending is terrible but the car scenes make up for it i think. Four stars
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Shin Godzilla (2016)
★★★★
Wields CGI in exactly the same way its predecessors wielded the rubber suit. Masterful.
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Batman Begins (2005)
★★★
This movie understands that Batman is fascist but. It’s impossible to tell if it thinks that’s good or bad.
I think the sequels say that it’s Good (as long as he maintains good judgement and proper efficiency and a benevolent philosopher king) so i don’t think this movie gets a benefit of the doubt sorry. Evil but competent film.
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Inside Out (2015)
★
I was sorta offended by this. The lesson it teaches is pretty similar to the guidance my therapist offered to me for years and i didn’t really have a problem with it applied to adults like me who are fully in charge of their lives. But the “real world” portrayed in the movie doesn’t reflect the real world most kids live through today and it feels irresponsible to make a morality play that would harm a lot of kids if they followed it. No good.
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Death on the Nile (2022)
★
They made poirot into a nasty man. He’s just supposed to be fussy. I hate this.
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The Transporter (2002)
★★★
This movie is so chill. I just felt so relaxed watching it. Buzzzzzzzzzz
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North By Northwest (1959)
★★★★
Some bumpy parts but the plot is so cool. It gets so convoluted that it comes off as a comedy, i think there’s some DNA from this in movies like burn after reading. Great movie.
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Jackass Forever (2022)
★★★★
I really liked this one. This movie probably smelled awful to make.
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Psycho (1960)
★★★
Unbelievably gorgeous movie, not sure if I’d seen it before. Not really sure what it’s about though? Lot of stuff happens that feels unrelated but maybe i just need to see it again to connect the dots. But oh man it looks really good.
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Jackass 3D (2010)
★★★★
a very joyful film. laugh report: i laughed really hard in the beginning, got laughed out partway through, then started laughing again towards the end.
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West Side Story (2021)
★★★
So meticulous and flawless that i almost forgot this isn’t really my cup of tea. Thanks mr spielberg
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Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
★★★★
Goated with the sauce. Tastes great.
Edit: the music in this movie rules. The sound design is so good. Carpenter going ham on the synths love it
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Kimi (2022)
★★★
I expected this to have a bunch of hamfisted uninspired comments on society but it’s mostly just a normal thriller. Sigh of relief.
I didn’t find it very realistic based on my own experience working as a tech company drone. But I’ve learned not to be an annoying nerd about that kind of thing. 3 stars
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Jackass Number Two (2006)
★★★★★
Pushes the limits of the body and my mind. Truly unpleasant to watch at times. But it’s a masterpiece.
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Licorice Pizza (2021)
★★★★
This felt like PTA’s version of inside llewyn davis. A movie so normal that it becomes one of the weirdest things you’ve ever seen. Masterfully constructed and beautifully shot, but just kinda meanders around the whole time and never feels like it has anything important to say. But that’s all on purpose somehow? Maybe? A thick fog has crept into my mind…
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The Professor and the Madman (2019)
2 minutes in “is that sean penn?”
5 minutes in “is that mel gibson?”
10 minutes in “i gotta go”
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Body Bags (1993)
★★★
Made by a bunch of geniuses who weren’t trying very hard. Feels breezy and effortless and i love it.
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Logan Lucky (2017)
★★★★
My favorite heist movie? I think?
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Nightmare Alley (2021)
★★★
Surprising lack of unique style or structure given the previous 20 years of del toro films. I kept waiting for something to leap out of me and it never did. If you had a critical and commercial success like shape of water, why make this afterwards? I can’t really figure out why this movie had to be made.
That sounds bad i guess but. As a movie it was pretty good. The sets are beautiful and the performances were fun. And not every movie has to be super ambitious. but there’s a limited space for movies not made by the rat these days, and I’m not sure i want this movie taking up that space.
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Regular Show: The Movie (2015)
★★★
Sometimes this show works for me sometimes it doesn’t. It’s always pleasant though. Wife got mad at me for identifying all the guest voice actors annoyingly.
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Fireworks (1997)
★★★★
The coolest guy on earth does some crimes and gets sad. Great movie.
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Knights of Badassdom (2013)
★★★
The casting director deserves an award for finding a zillion recognizable actors who would also work for scale.
Unfortunately the rest of this movie is not as economical. In fact, most of the time i was wishing everyone would shut the hell up. All in all it ain’t so bad though.
If they had gotten jack black in the lead for this movie it would be four stars minimum.
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Bad Taste (1987)
★★★
A pretty entertaining student film with a zillion ideas, reminds me of Dark Star in that sort of way. Glad i finally saw this.
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The Tragedy of Macbeth (2021)
★★★★★
Holy fuck this movie is mesmerizing.
Macbeth sowing: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
Macbeth reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
-
Layer Cake (2004)
★★★
some parts of this movie are very weirdly paced and a few of the needle drops drag on while nothing is actually happening. feels like “we paid for this rolling stones song and by god we are gonna use most of it”
p deece tho
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Uncut Gems (2019)
★★★★★
Finally saw this shit. I am pretty sure i had nearly every individual scene of this movie spoiled already from online. But it was really nice to see it in the right order and in motion.
Incredible acting on all sides, and it rules how many non-actors are in it. Even the sandman is someone that you might count out here, since even though he has turned in good performances before, it’s mostly just been as a more sincere version of himself. But in this he really delivers, fully transformed. The script is a work of genius and the naturalistic dialogue all lands perfectly. The sound design is incredible even without the OPN soundtrack that’s completely fucking banging. Goes to show how much of a joke the academy awards are for ignoring this. I’m sure they’ll give the safdies their due well after everyone else has already moved on. For a movie like this you gotta bow down eventually.
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The Witcher: Nightmare of the Wolf (2021)
★★
This is basically a mash up of the live action witcher show and the animated castlevania show. i didn’t like this as much as either of those, mostly because the characters are boring. Desperately needs a saint germain or a jaskier.
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The Other Side of the Wind (2018)
★★★★★
This is the only found footage movie I’ve ever been uhh. Astonished by. It’s fuckin’ good as hell.
I saw someone on Twitter recommend this as a double feature with matrix resurrections and i get it. Both films are deeply critical of fame and commercial filmmaking, and you can feel the anger seething in every line read. Both films are joyous and truly full of a love that i sometimes have to be reminded still exists out there. Both films are deeply weird and personal.
Think i needed this.
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Jaws (1975)
★★★★★
Every little detail in this movie is perfect. I’m team shark though i wish he got to eat everyone.
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The French Dispatch (2021)
★★★★
I’m not as enamored with these movies as some of my friends, but I was glad to slop this one up.
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Goodfellas (1990)
★★★★
ever since i can remember i always wanted to be a criminal gangster pally mafioso eyy forget about it
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Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)
★★★
first time watching this since i saw it in theaters. very unique film despite the ground it treads being extremely well worn. it drifts along at its own pace and repeatedly frustrates any attempt to treat it like “one of those” stories, whatever that means.
this isnt the movies fault but. i have a real resentment for the deadbeats of yore. you cant really just bum around on mediocre talent and other people’s generosity anymore. you have to work so much harder to be a deadbeat in today’s world.
-
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)
★
this is what young people are watching nowadays? this kind of stuff rots your brain!
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No One Gets Out Alive (2021)
★
Needlessly gratuitous deeply unenjoyable absolutely pointless
-
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
★★★★
What’s this? What’s this? It’s a movie
-
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
★★★★★
One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. What a breath of fresh air.
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Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997)
★★★
Real weird but not bad.
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Black Christmas (1974)
★
Forgot i was watching a movie at some point and kept wondering why the tv was shrieking at me.
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Avengers: Endgame (2019)
★★★★
a fascinating anthropological artifact and a fascinating film. this film is the tip of the spear of american propaganda– each shot has been meticulously crafted, sprung forth into existence using technology that did not exist only a few years ago. there is an intentionality and weight to every moment, born from endless focus testing that has sharpened each frame into a diamond capable of cutting through any unwitting person’s psyche and manipulating them into feeling whatever its creators want them to feel. I do not believe any other film has achieved this level of subjugation before, and none will eclipse it for at least a few years, at least until the next message must be handed to us from the powers that control this evil country.
i am struck by the perfection and beauty of this work, in the same way i would be mesmerized by a mushroom cloud outside my window. other films of this budget and scope did not achieve this level of power– the latest star wars trilogy, for example, does not even scrape the heels of what this achieves, despite its similarly endless well of established canon and detail obsessed fans. was it craft? was it blind luck? i am hoping for the latter. if our masters learned to control this power fully, they wouldn’t need to make films to tell us what they want. i deeply fear this film and what it means for humanity.
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